Wednesday, July 29

be here now

Most of my regrets have something to do with summertime. If I don't wander enough through the green grass or eat enough fruit underneath a golden sun, then I am left hollow and full of regrets like a boy whose too afraid to tell his father how he doesn't like fishing. I want to touch every wild oak as if my hands were new to me. I want to taste the raspberries as if I had never tasted sugar. I want to walk into the garden and see the flowers climbing towards the blue sky, not dying and becoming crumbs of what summer was supposed to be.

What will be will be, I say to myself. If a hailstorm were to arrive, like a grave in the ground, here only to bury my garden, I would have to let it go. I spend so much of my waking life being bothered and worried about tomorrow. I stand at the edge of seawater thinking only of how I will miss the sea when it's gone. Sometimes, this way of thinking is beautiful and nourishing to the spirit. Other times, I feel like I am living on the last sentence of my own chapter book.

I want to be living in the moment. Instead, I am living for the moment's departure, as if it were an airplane you were boarding only to take you from here to there. I was sitting at the Calgary Folk Festival and all I could think about was how sad it makes me to see moments end. I could have been shaking my feet to the sounds of a banjo, instead I was pruning my thoughts to think only of tomorrow. What if tomorrow is the day when a hailstorm buries the garden? What if my feet give way and I can no longer dance? What if tomorrow's sunlight never shines on me? What if, what if, what if? 

I want to learn how to be here now. Truly, simply, nowhere else to be. Let me sit in the sunshine because it warms the skin, not in an attempt to slow down the speed of summer.  Let me live in the joy I find when my feet touch the garden's soil, not in the sadness of an imminent winter. I know a day will come when the moon no longer lights the bedroom where I sleep with C, let me forget about it and fall asleep without knowing what tomorrow brings.

The Outfit
Bathing suit Voodoo Vixen*
Heels OASAP*
Hat Value Village

The Location
My Backyard

14 comments:

  1. I know what you mean, living now is almost impossible for me.

    / Avy
    http://MyMotherFuckedMickJagger.blogspot.com



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  2. I think in our lives, we all have trouble being fully present in the now. It's how our lives work, we are almost always preparing for our future. Not that that is bad, it's good to be prepared, but like you said, we can't lose ourselves and our precious time to worry. I think there has to be a line drawn somewhere.

    Peace & Love // Celestralite

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  3. Love your dress / suit! Such a cute and summery look.
    EverRose.com

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  4. Oh my gosh, a dear! So beautiful <3 Alex

    http://tobebeautifulingodseyes.blogspot.com

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  5. Oh, what lovely photos! And I totally understand what you're going through ♥
    Amy xx

    Little Moon Dragon

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  6. I don't know what is more beautiful, your ensemble or your words! It's pretty darn close that's for sure. Your words rang true with me. I tend to be a worrier by nature so I've been struggling to cease that. And yes, you look absolutely stunning in this shade of peachy pink and I love how your heels match so wonderfully!

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  7. Such a beautiful piece of writing. I could not relate more! Being present is something I have always had trouble with, but I'm learning to let things go and to stop planning every moment. You're outfit is precious, you look so darling!
    Xx

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  8. So so cute and lovely and your writing is utterly perfect. <3

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  9. Your dress is so pretty, I love that deer in the back ground
    xo
    www.laurajaneatelier.com

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  10. Feeling the now was actually my New Year's resolution. It's kinda hard, but worry will creep up and eat away your belly. If something is to happen, what can I do? Nothing different than today, so I am slowly but surely learning not to think of it. I am glad I read your words because this morning I was not off to a good start with this resolution.

    http://aroseisinbloom.blogspot.com/

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  11. Ah Amy you've done it again like so many times before. These words and feelings have been on my heart for sometime. I do things, and as I am living and experiencing them, I think about how I will feel when it's over. Like you said, it's not all bad. But it is good to have balance. This is what we need to strive for, I think.

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  12. such lovely pictures. like from a book or something.

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  13. Anonymous1.8.15

    This is a precious post, thanks for the reminder

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