a world inside my head

Sometimes life feels like an unwashed window, you can’t look outside without seeing the dirt, you don’t know if it’s your own eyes or the window that keeps you from seeing things clearly. You try to tell yourself that the window will wash itself, that if you give it time, you will once again be able to see the world the way it is, and we all know, beautiful is how we should see the world. What we forget to tell ourselves is that sometimes we need a sponge, heavy soap and a whole lot of scrubbing before we can see clearly again.

Lately, I have been feeling like I am not alive. My lungs still pump with air, my heart still pounds against my blouse, my fingers still shake when I am cold, and my tongue still knows when cinnamon buns are rising in the oven, but to be alive and to call myself a human is more than having organs that work, to be alive is to feel alive. Although I am equipped with working organs that I am grateful for, I cannot help but feel as if I am floating and slipping on dresses like a ghost and not a girl.

It has been two months since the calendar changed its year and I have yet to walk out of the house and feel as though my life is unfolding. I cannot remember the last time I stepped into an unfamiliar room that made my heart race and my gut bubble like a freshly opened can of soda. I sit at the window and wait, but why do I wait? What is it that I am waiting for? I spend so much time inside of my head that I’ve forgotten how to live on the outside. 

Maybe it’s the city getting to me. Maybe I am growing and I don’t even know it, maybe I am the caterpillar as he waits to arise more beautiful than the way he arrived. My heart tells me that the window of my life will soon become a door, that I will no longer be waiting, but my head tells me that I am not a caterpillar and I’ll need a forge and hammer if I want to grow wings.

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I used to be content with dreaming. I could spend hours underneath bed sheets with only my brain. I’d make up stories and tell myself that the pine candle beside my bed really was a pine tree and the pillow where I rested really was a mossy landing and the cracks in the wall paint really were markings from a bear's claw. At the time, it was enough. Dreaming was all I had, it was all I needed. I could stay in my room and never be bothered because living in my head was much more satisfying than living where my body was.

Now that I am getting older, dreaming isn’t enough. When I try to turn pine candles into imaginary forests, they remain as candles and they don’t smell quite as good as they used to. Perhaps this is what happens to a human when they realize how much richer the world would be if only their dreams came true. If only I could wake up beside a real pine tree, maybe then I would feel alive again.

I will always be a dreamer. A sofa seat made for one will always belong to my brain; a house filled with only things I like will always be awaiting my arrival. I know I am lucky, not everybody can smell the forest just by closing their eyes, but the luckiest are those who surround themselves in the forest, not only by brain but by body too.

I don’t want my epitaph to read “She lived on the inside. She thought about the birds but she never visited them.” I want the world that I grew up building between pillow and brow to become the world I see on the outside too. I want my life to be so wild and far from ordinary that not even a poet could tell you who I am. I want to stop waiting for the window to wash itself, for the dirt to return to a flowerbed, for the brain to become one with the body. I want my dreams to become my life.

When somebody asks me how I am, I want to turn to them and say: "I feel alive, very very alive, and how are you?"
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26 comments:

  1. Anonymous26.2.14

    Dear Amy,
    Thank you for writing this post. I could not have read it at a more perfect time. I am almost finished high school and I feel really scared because I don't know what I am going to do with my life. I know lots of people must feel this way but for me it feels very scary and lonely. I really appreciate your post because it made me feel better and it made me feel like I can make my dreams come true, I just have to try. Love.xoxo.

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  2. The last thing I want to be is ordinary, I always felt that way, but I don't know how to get away from it. Nothing scares me more than having a clear picture of my future.

    /Avy

    http://mymotherfuckedmickjagger.blogspot.com

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  3. Beautiful.
    You've described what i have felt before so perfectly that words can not explain it

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  4. This post is incredible. It really spoke to me. Especially when you said 'I spend so much time inside of my head that I’ve forgotten how to live on the outside.' I started a new college this year and I'm so far away from my friends and so lonely that I spend so much time alone. I think about everything all the time, and get worked up with dark thoughts. Like you, I need to live and feel alive, not just watch life go by. Hope things get better for you, Robin xox

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  5. so lovely babe!

    www.recuerdosoxidados.com

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  6. That dress is too much! The darling little bows on it, oh goodness. Adorbs. And the shoes, as well!
    xoxo, Lindsey Dish
    thebeltedpear.blogspot.com

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  7. This dress is so pretty!
    Xxx
    Simplement-rose.blogspot.com

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  8. Great blog, I like it. I want to feel alive too. I hate the duplicate day, it really make me sick. I need to do something what I really want to do to keep me alive.

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  9. I love the lace dress! Looks so cute on you

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  10. This outfit is too magical..! I love everything in these photos, the dress, your hair, the woods. I would probably feel like out of a storybook with this dress..!

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  11. You look absolutely divine! Like a forest princess or a beautiful gnome! Dreaming is a good thing, regardless of how old you are and what you are dreaming of. There is a fine like between being too much of a realist and accomplice unrealistic dreamer but I say do what makes you happy.
    Dream on girl ❤️

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  12. Anonymous28.2.14

    You look like a dreamer in everything you wear!

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  13. Wonderful dress and photos!!
    And lovely blog :)
    Kiss
    Paolo

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  14. Jayme2.3.14

    So gorgeous...... and I love your writings so very much. I am now discovering how lovely it is to wear white.......
    white tights particularly....... your dress is so very beautiful...and I love your smile, and your gorgeous hair..... mine is long like yours......


    … you certainly make a beautiful statement….. and you are so very pretty..

    I grew up in tights, being in ballet for 13 years. In fact, mom raised me rather androgynously, so I also wore tights under big sweaters and hip length tunics and such around the house growing up. Your lovely look reminds me of all those days….epsecially when the delivery man would come and I’d meet him at the door and he’s refer to me as Miss……
    Oh, by the way, I’m a guy…and I love fashion as much as I love dance.
    I traveled in Europe this past fall,
    It looks like you have the same affinity for tights as I have…..

    I’ve been raving to my new friends about how much I love the tights/shorts look, so they encouraged me to try it myself…
    and I have in a big way,….. denim cutoffs, high waisted shorts, even a romper…….
    I will following your blog religiously….. thanks for sharing your lovely taste and your beauty

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  15. your inside and outside are very interesting <3
    http://coeursdefoxes.blogspot.com/

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  16. this is beautiful, you look like a princess :)

    http://delilahduong.com

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  17. you always success bring the vintage sense in each post!

    xx
    rimatambunan.blogspot.com

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  18. love your vintage outfit dear. so pretty!

    xx,
    MITCH | Click to join OhDearBumblebees' Giveaway~*

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  19. you look so beautiful and those woods... they make me miss py grandparents ):

    xxx Anna
    Ps. I just renewed my blog!
    Come take a look
    A Tale of Two Shoes

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  20. I love this lace dress on you. The bows on the sleeves are a great finishing touch.

    www.highheelsandtutus.com

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  21. oh my goodness, I can so relate with you're saying. I feel like my days are spent gazing out of a locked window and I have no idea where the key is but I need to find it asap.
    Your dress is really beautiful too.

    xo
    www.thisisfrancescarose.com

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  22. Like the lace dress, and the shoes goes well with it.

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  23. Looking very gorgeous and the outfit is very impressive...and you made such a beautiful style with your fashion...Especially hat is very attractive..entire the combination of this outfit massive...best design ever..thank you..
    http://www.designersandyou.com

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